Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Epistolary thoughts

Dear Blog,

I'm so sorry for having neglected you the past few days. It isn't that I've lost my blogging spirit -- far from it! You've been an uncomplaining repository for my thoughts, as they are, for the past year. Whether I write about silly things or about things salvaged from the innermost recesses of my heart and mind, you don't complain. Let's toss aside the fact that you're just the electronic equivalent of pen and paper, things that can't complain. Duh! You're like an adorable puppy sometimes; you just stare soulfully at me with those electronic puppy dog eyes and I'm consumed by guilt.

When I started my partnership with you, I said that I'd write about anything and everything on my mind. I guess I can write now that I'm eating crow...because there are some things that I have a hard time admitting to myself, much less to you. They're simply not...what's the term? Ah, yes. They simply aren't bloggable. I suppose I could post something about my children, but I rarely write about them. In addition to the fact that I try to respect their privacy (though I don't always succeed), I want this blog to be about ME. Me and my thoughts and feelings. The ME that isn't defined by motherhood. Does that sound selfish? The fact that I write about ME and my thoughts, the fact that this isn't a "mommyblog" (not that there's anything wrong with mommyblogs) does not in any way take away from the love I have for them. It's hard for me to explain, but I hope you understand.

My first diary was pink. Little Twin Hearts pink. Fluffy, cutie pink. I loved that diary. A cousin gave it to me a few months after I started puberty ( a period which they say marks changes in the body. I didn't notice any changes, save for the bloody excretions and the sudden increase in height.). That was during the pre-Internet days. My pink diary was such a cute lavatory for pens that were in a constant state of diarrhea. There were no holds barred: I poured out my heart and soul. Now don't you be jealous, blog. That was my then; you are my now. I loved it then, I love you now. But now I find myself having to censor myself, screening what I want to write. It wasn't that way before. Maybe I should've kept my distance, remained "anonymous." Maybe I shouldn't have given all and revealed too much of myself.

I suppose I could post something about how often I shave my legs (2x a week), what color undies I'm wearing now (black) or the things on my desktop (barrel man and a preserved baby cobra) and write about how they relate to some deep, inner part of my psyche. Heck, I've done similar things before with trite topics like wind and chocolate.

But not tonight.

Tonight is empty. Empty is tonight. Same banana, different color. Many things may have changed, but some things haven't. You're still you and I'm still me. And I still love you.

Love, kisses, and XXX fantasies,
Lizza

35 comments:

not so anonymous in barnsley said...

inday, napadaan lang, musta na?

o nga eh,hirap magbuhos ng kinikimkim pag alam mong binabasa ng madlang pipol na knowing na kung sino ka.

anonymous na lang ulit tayo!

Lizza said...

Anak ng tinapa, gawa ng bagong site? Actually meron na ako non, dati pa, haha! Pero inuman tayo pag uwi mo. Kwentuhan din.

Tammie Jean said...

It's true, the blog isn't quite as anonymous as the diaries we had when we were young (I got my first diary in the 6th grade and kept them all through college). But the interaction with other bloggers, finding others that feel the same way as you do or that you can relate to in some way, as well as those who make you laugh and sometimes cry... I think it all makes up for the need to filter what we write a bit. It's more fun to share, and have others share with us :)

houseband00 said...

I never had a diary when I was growing up. Back then, I had to settle on releasing my angst in a small drawing pad.

I guess a private blog is possible.

I've read about how the handwritten word adds a more living dimension to one's output and is very tempting, but I can never see myself writing without the convenience of Spellcheck. =)

Photo Cache said...

I dont remember my first diary; although I did have a pink one myself. I used codes in my entries because mom would read it. I had one for my "crush" and I would be ashamed to read it now. I wonder if it survived the flood. I left in the PI.

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Lizza-
Sometimes you can explain fairly complicated subjects poetically and simply. Well done.

ShadowFalcon said...

Twice a week , honey that more then I need to know please carry on blogging like your normal self!

zeroimpact said...

Heh heh heh
I like your signoff
Love, kisses and XXX fantasies
:)

kyels said...

I never had a diary when I was growing up and the way I rant was to write everything on a notepad then tear it into shreds.

But well, you're right; sometimes the connection between one and their blog cannot be explained. It's just a connection.

CS said...

Diaries can be found and read - what I like about blogging is the intentionality of the revealing. Hope you stick with it - with however much you care to share.

ian said...

I love coming here to read what you're thinking about any given subject on any given day, even if it's just the color of your undies (mmmmm...black panties!). To paraphrase Shakespeare, "The blog's the thing." And yours is absolutely worth my time. :)

Ian

Daddy Papersurfer said...

EEEEEEK - black knicker day! - I'm moving out of harm's way!!

I'm glad you're not starting to talk to your computer, it's the first sign of something I'm sure............... come on Mac let's go.

H said...

Awwwww.

If I were your blog I'd be a bloody strutty, happy, brimfulla love chap today.

And I'd also want to give you the biggest tightest hug and say, honey, thank you.

But I'll do that as H, your very very grateful soul sis. Liz, darling, I love that you've never once slotted yourself as one thing [mommy, wife, sister, friend etc] I love that all your posts, regardless of how much you say about the plodding realness of your day, are honest intense and passionate.

And thanks for the pic of your pink diary... finally. I tried to visualise it when you told me about it on my pink post. I loooove the look of it. :-)

Dx said...

Have to agree with CS. Blogs are much better than diaries because you KNOW you'll be read.

Glamourpuss said...

All relationships have their ups and downs. Blogs are no different.

Puss

Bond said...

even when empty, your thoughts overflow and entertain... black huh? niccccccce

Natalia said...

Awwww...Little Twin Stars! I had not seen those in AGES. AGES, I TELL YOU. That brought back so very many memories of childhood and what was important then. *sigh*

-N

Kiyotoe said...

an ode to your blog huh? I get it. I agree with "Teach" a.k.a. CS. The way blogging brongs out certain "reveals" in each blogger is what makes it so addictive for me. Learning about so many other people and ourselves is kind of cool (sometimes).

How'd you know I've been having triple XXX fantasies....and about black panties??!!

Maryanne Moll said...

Lizza, napaka-selfish mo.

Pero di hamak na mas selfish ako. Hahaha!

I really like this post, for some reason. Hmm. I wonder why.

Lizza said...

Tammie Jean: The interaction, the online relationships we've developed are priceless, I agree. Don't mind me, I was just in a blue mood when I wrote this. :-)

HB: Oh, try it! Get a cheap notebook and scribble away. We can swap notes over pho and coffee one day, spellcheck be damned. :-D

Photo: I think my mom read my diary too. I have no proof, but I really think she did. Probably laughed her ass off over it.

Bud: Thank you, my dear buddy. I appreciate that.

Shadowfalcon: Haha! Sorry for the TMI. I probably shouldn't mention, then, how often I pluck...never mind. :-)

ZI: Fantasies should be fun, shouldn't they? ;-) And a bit romantic too. Though there's nothing romantic when it comes to XXX. Haha!

Kyels: Ohhh, you should've kept some of the memorable ones. You'd have had a grand time laughing at your trains of thought back then. I either laugh or cringe when I read my old diaries now.

CS: There are things I write about privately, but sometimes I think it would be interesting to get someone else's feedback on them. Thing is, they're really very revealing -- which makes me wish I did this blog anonymously so I could write about everything with no holds barred.

But I will stick with this blog, and continue to read my dear blogger pals' writings.

DaddyP: It isn't black today, so you can breathe easy. My computer talks to me...is that worse than talking to it? I'm hearing digital voices. Oh, wait. Silly me, those were just the Red Hot Chili Peppers singing Hump de Bump.

H: Slotting, I don't do. Slutting, perhaps. Blog slutting, that is. But not too much. :-) My diary was SOOOO cute, if may say so myself.

Thanks for the hug, dear sis. Hugs back at ya.

DX: That's true. And the interaction with other bloggers, the exchange of ideas, is great. Thanks for stopping by.

Puss: Something I've discovered only lately, alas. I like reading yours, btw.

Bond: Thank you, my dear. Yesterday it was black. Today it's...hmmm. Let's have some mystery here.

Natalia: Oh yes. Little Twin Stars, Hello Kitty, My Melody. Those were the days. :-)

Kiyotoe: And we know your blog is a terrific place for exchanging thoughts.

How'd I know about your fantasies? Well, saw your profile and preferences on XTube. Haha! (Just kidding, Counselor, just kidding.)

Maryanne: Hmmm. Bakit kaya? ;-) One thing I do know, you're a terrific writer, and one with spunk too! Okay, those are actually two things.

LOVE your new profile pic. Pareho tayong long hair at bulag. Haha!

Natalie said...

What a sweet blog entry about your blog.

~*SilverNeurotic*~ said...

I am sure you will get your blog mojo back soon. I have faith.

I think it's great that your goal of this blog is to be about you and not like you and your family, or you and your job or whatever...it's important to have that "Me" outlet...I think you do a wonderful job of it.

Odat said...

Great post....lol...brought back memories of my silly diary...that my brother found...;d
Peace

PS I'm posting a cartoon tomorrow that I think I stole from here...if not, you're getting the credit...hehe.

Terra Shield said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Terra Shield said...

A personal blog to the core... a lil' bit of everything that makes you, you?

Mimi Lenox said...

Brings back memories of the fluffy pink diaries of old, yes. I'm glad you ignored anonymity. We are all the richer for it. Great post! Well-written.

Nice said...

hello! me, too, i used to write in my diaries way back grade and high school years. now, im here at the blogosphere, letting the computer suck all my energies. hehehe! nice post, lizza.

i also have my new article. please do find time to pay a visit to my blog. thanks!

Bond said...

what fun is mystery?

LOL

it's the little things... said...

I'm currently transcribing my old diaries and wording from a thirteen year old tends to be a combination of boy/blah/way/boy/blah/way.

Lizza said...

Natalie: Thank you!

Silverneurotic: Thanks for the encouragement. Always glad to see you here!

Odat: I don't think any of my siblings read my diaries. They didn't let me know if they did!

That comic strip is a laugh, isn't it?

Terra: That's what the people who know me say!

Mimi: Thank you, O Queen. They sure can resurrect long-forgotten memories.

Nice: Will do. Thanks for stopping in again.

Bond: You tell me. :-D

Marlayna: I know what you mean. Re-reading the things I wrote way back then either makes me cringe or giggle uncontrollably.

Lizza said...

Ian: I missed your comment, sorry.

Thanks for coming over regularly and for your kind words. Much appreciated.

Travis said...

I guess sometimes we just step away, re-charge and re-focus, then come back with a fresh new direction.

Julia Scissor said...

I had started blogging with the intent of writing creative or informative stuff that I always wanted to write.(Besides, I knew any publisher would avoid me by a mile long barge pole.) I never even realised when I changed into a quasi - personal blog!
Cheers to blogging!

eastcoastdweller said...

I identify so much with this post. I've kept a journal since I was thirteen. I know that's unusual for a guy, but hey, I am who I am.

I entered blogworld thinking I could totally spew my guts uncensored. The more I built of myself, though, the more I found myself reining in that dark side that so briefly had its freedom. Sigh.

I love Your blog -- may I link it?

Lizza said...

Oh, I'd love to read some uncensored spewing from you.

Go ahead and link, I'm honored. I'll add you to my link list too.