Friday, December 22, 2006

When God Created Mothers

Today is my mother's birthday. She's a funny, great lady, and the following short story is one that we both like. Hope you like it, too.

Happy birthday, Mommy!

by Erma Bombeck

When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into his sixth day of “overtime” when an angel appeared and said, “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.”

And the Lord said, “Have you read the specs on this order?

  • She has to be completely washable, but not plastic;
  • Have 180 movable parts... all replaceable;
  • Run on black coffee and leftovers;
  • Have a lap that disappears when she stands up;
  • A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair;
  • And six pairs of hands.”
The angel shook her head slowly and said, “Six pairs of hands... no way.”

“It’s not the hands that are causing me problems,” said the Lord. “It’s the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have.”

“That’s on the standard model?” asked the angel.

The Lord nodded. “One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, ’What are you kids doing in there?’ when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn’t but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say, ’I understand and I love you’ without so much as uttering a word.”

“Lord,” said the angel, touching His sleeve gently, “Go to bed. Tomorrow...”

“I can’t,” said the Lord, “I’m so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick... can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger... and can get a nine-year-old to stand under a shower.”

The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. “It’s too soft,” she sighed.

“But she’s tough!” said the Lord excitedly. “You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure.”

“Can it think?”

“Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise,” said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. “There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told You You were trying to push too much into this model.”

“It’s not a leak,” said the Lord. “It’s a tear.”

“What’s it for?”

“It’s for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride.”

“You are a genius,” said the angel.

The Lord looked somber. “I didn’t put it there,” He said.

Edit to add: Good heavens, I just remembered from reading Aisby's blog that today is Global Orgasm Day (I wrote about it too a few weeks ago). So go do your part, guys and gals!


Michael C said...

Happy Birthday Lizza's mom!! The new template looks great!

Prometheus said...

Actually, makin moms was the biggest mistake. Made Big Sky Guy redundant ya know.

Especially since they were made so selfless. You ever saw a church/temple/mosque/synagogue built to Mom? You ever had a fat 'holier than thou' book about Mom? The worst punishment dished out by Mom is not talking to you (only for a few hours). When was the last time Mom sent out a plague? And when did folk ever go to war over Mom?

Prometheus thinks, some BIG POWER THINGER made Big Sky Guy. But version 1 was terribly bugged up, not to mention it had BDSM tendencies. So BIG POWER THINGER just made God v2,0. Mom.

Lizza said...

Michael: Thank you very much!

Prometheus: Veddy interesting theory, mon ami. But Big Sky Guy can't be all that bad. There's a joke that goes something like:

After God created man, he stepped back and said "I know I can do better if I try again."

So he made woman.

iz said...

Lizza I LOVE the new template. So much easier to read! And that was really touching. Should make my husband read to realise how special each of us is!

Sunrunner said...

That is one of my favorite Erma Bombeck stories. Thanks for posting it and happy birthday to your mom!!!

Prometheus said...

Lizzie Izzie, why do ya think Big Sky Guy never made anything after that? Wayl, he kinda made man and got overconfident. He tried making something better and bungled up so bad, they took away his license and put him in the slammer :D

Matt-Man said...

Happy Birthday Mom...Global Orgasm Day...I'm glad it lasts all day because that's about how long it takes me to get it up anymore.

Lizza said...

Iz: Thank you! It's a very nice story, show it to Mr. A. :-)

Sunrunner: Thanks, and you're welcome. It's so good to see you here again.

Prometheus: He bungled up so bad when he made woman??? Ohh, you're going to get into hot water with your statements, mon ami.

Natalia said...

That is awesome. Thanks, I enjoyed it.


Natalie said...

Happy birthday to your mom! Template is AWESOME. Story is sweet. I'll catch you in the new year (or maybe sooner if I get withdrawl form blogworld)!

Aisby said...

I've always enjoyed this story. Thanks for posting it. Sometimes as a mom you forget how important you are to people, until you think about your own mom.

Happy Birthday to Lizza's Mom!

Kiyotoe said...

my mom could also discipline us with the squint of an eye. If she did it, you knew she was pissed or disappointed and we straightened up immediately. You can't teach that stuff in Mommy school.

tell your mom happy birthday from The Dragon.

Global Orgasm day?........I'm all over that, thanks for the reminder.

Bond said...


mist1 said...

Happy birthday to your mother.

Lizza said...

Matt: Thanks! And ummm, Viagra? :-D

Natalia: You're welcome. Glad you did.

Natalie: Thank you! I'll catch you soon, too. Happy holidays to you, Tony, and your family too.

Aisby: Thanks! Wishing you a great Christmas and New Year. And no more hangovers! :-D

Kiyotoe: Mommy school? Damn, I wish I'd known about that. Thanks for the greeting. And rock on, if you know what I mean. ;-)

Bond: (catching the snowflakes and tinsel) Happy holidays, couchmeister!

Mist1: Thank youuuu. :-)

Prometheus said...

Global Orgasm Day. GOD! Oh yeah, Prometheus had one by himself.

Lizzie, hot water as in a hot tub? Awesome, you are a real romantic. Heey, okay okay.. women rock. Happy?

Didja wish Happy Wappy Budday to yer mom for me?

Sanni said...

Happy Birthday to your Mom!

And HNOD for everyone who is participating - knowing or not =)



P.S.: I like the new layout

H said...

Lizz, you made me cry.

mums are made of pure 100% sterling love. solid, enduring and the warmest ever.

this is for my mum and nan too... [I'm dedicating this beautiful writing to them very presumptuously... but...].

Lizza said...

Prometheus: Makes crying out "Oh GOD!" very apt. Haha! Glad you had one. :-) Yes, I'm a sappy romantic and yes, I did greet mommy a happy one for you. Happy? :-D

Sanni: Danke! Hope you had a good GOD as well. :-)

H: Hug!

It's a touching story, and I'm so glad you liked it. I'm sure Nan and your own mother are going to like it too.

NanNan said...

Beautiful --- I'm leaking!!

Lizza said...

Hugs to you, too, Nan!

Anonymous said...

Awww, i love this story too. Made me teary eyed a bit coz this made me miss my mom *sniff*.
Belated Happy Birthday to your Mom from me :)


Lizza said...

Thanks, GG. Merry Christmas!