Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Alter ego

"Your work really sucks. People won't want to read what you write. People like you are a dime a dozen."

Maybe. But I'm writing what I want to write about at the moment. There will always be worse and better writers than me. If they like what I do, many thanks. If they don't, they can always hire someone else. Or they can click on that X thingy at the top right corner of their browsers.

"You're really fat and ugly. And you're old. You should be ashamed to even step out of the house."

I know I have a snowball's chance in hell of ever making Playmate of the Month. Not that I ever wanted to. I know I could stand to lose a few extra inches here and there, but generally speaking, I'm fine with the way I look now. Thank you veddy fucking bloody much.

"They don't really appreciate you, you know. They're just using you because you're too fucking chickenshit to say no."

Maybe. But whatever it is I give to someone I love, I give from the heart.

"You're nobody."

Correct. To the majority of the world's billions, I don't exist. But to a handful of people, I AM somebody -- and I love them perhaps even more than they love me. So up yours.

The quotes in italics are from someone inside my head, someone who won't leave me alone. She isn't some Medusa with an ugly visage that's horrifying to behold. On the contrary, when I visualize her, I see someone with a terrifying beauty, someone who has the power to overcome me.

Her name is insecurity, and I've known her all my life.

I've managed to keep her at bay, keep her from totally subsuming my entire psyche. But I think she will always be there, somehow. That she will never, EVER leave me alone.

If I disappear once in a while, it's because I'm taking time off to deal with her (mental mud wrestling, if you like) -- to do battle with this seductive demon who knows me all too damn well. And who has no compunctions about (gleefully) saying: "I told you so" whenever I screw up.


MD said...

i'm glad u kicked pessimisticity's ass :)

god..i have so many of these conversations with myself. i could relate so much.

Lizza said...

MD, somehow the thought of you having these conversations with yourself doesn't surprise me -- it comes out somehow in your earlier posts. But it's good to see that you're kicking pessimisticity's ass nowadays. :-) You seem to be doing better than me.

Gumby said...

I hate that fucking bitch. Being a Cancer Crab, I have dealt with insecurity my whole life. It used to be everything I did, but I have actually gotten fairly confident in my professional skills. But I still have the old interpersonal insecurities. Being a male 'mo is tough enough without feeling judged with every step.

I hope you wrestle that witch to the ground and kick her fucking ass!

And I say that only in Christian love.

Lizza said...

You had me laughing out loud! Thanks!

Looks like you kicked the bitch's ass in a major way. ;-)

MD said...

lizza, we're all in it together :) our mind is our greatest enemy. if you let it get to you...it can kill.

Lizza said...

Yes, MD. I agree with you. :-)

Mike said...

Wow, been there, done that too! I can honestly say my Christianity is probably the only thing that has saved me from those thoughts.

Lizza said...

Thanks, Mike.

I'm not a deeply religious person, but I believe that faith and spirituality do go a long way towards keeping us sane. (Now I'm suddenly reminded of Nickleback's "Savin' Me.")

Prometheus said...

Aww. No fair. You caught Lady Galadriel in her moment of weakness, transforming into a dark queen. But apt image for your Medusa.

And if you think YOU have problems because o dem voices in yer head, lookit me. My voices got so loud, they drowned out 3 Death Metal bands playing live during the launch of that space shuttle.