Monday, September 24, 2007

Manic Monday #25: Kit

This is actually two posts in one: Morgen's Manic Monday (this week's theme word is kit) and Frank's It Was a Dark and Stormy Night Meme, inspired by the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest (click here for rules and dates if you want to join the contest on that site).

Frank's the head of the unofficial Gale Martin cheering squad (she's writing a novel) and ordered suggested we do the meme to encourage Gale. So...go, Gale, go! Meme or no, you know we're cheering for you all the way.

Rules:
1. Choose two genres from the ones listed below in #4
2. Come up with a suitable title for a different novel for each of your genre choices.
3. Write a different opening 'atrocious' paragraph of your 'highly praised novel' in context to each genre you chose, paying particular attention to the "Dark and stormy" quality of your first sentence of your paragraph. Don't just rewrite the "Dark and stormy" sentence for your paragraph. Come up with something new and fresh, but 'atrocious' too. The sentence and paragraph should follow good English grammar rules. Don't just write a grammatical mess of a sentence. Remember, you are a Nobel Prize worthy author.
4. Choose two of the following genres for each of your "Prized Novels": Western, Science Fiction, Romance, Historical Fiction, Modern Contemporary Fiction, Mystery, Comedy, Horror.
5. Post the meme description and rules.
6. Post your first genre choice, title and paragraph, followed by your second genre choice, title and paragraph.
7. Prepare yourself for accolades of laughter and ridicule for your "Highly Praised Novels'" atrocious openings.
8. Contact the Nobel Prize officials for you may just continue and write that award winning novel.
9. Tag people, lotsa people. (I'm tagging anyone who wants to play along.)

So here they are, the worst titles and opening paragraphs of two imaginary novels:

Genre: Modern Contemporary Fiction
Title: A Bacardi Nightmare in the Present Tense

After his initial shock at how the Identi-kit image of the woman the press called Jackie the Ripper resembled his former English teacher, down to the mole that looked like a big, hairy, pregnant tick beside her left nostril, Charlie started dreaming of bikini babes -- with legs and armpits as smooth as Kojak's pate, though not as shiny perhaps -- on the Caribbean cruise he’d take with the reward money being offered for her capture.

Genre: Romance
Title: Love in the Time of E. Coli

Watching him disrobe, Juanita wondered (fully aware of how ridiculous she looked fluttering her false eyelashes while nervously gnawing her lower lip like it was cherry chewing gum -- but the sugarless kind; she was trying to lose weight) whether the languorous heat spreading in her abdomen like golden tequila was due to excitement, or if it was an intestinal infection from that juicy -- but maybe undercooked? -- hamburger she had bought from the street vendor with the sweet, sweet buns.



38 comments:

H said...

This is a very complicated meme.

But you know what Liz? I REALLLLLY want to read both your novels. You've got me hooked woman.

And I think you've got it wrong - they wanted you to write atrociously. Not enticingly.

ian said...

There's a term I like to use in instant messaging which I bestow upon you here:

HAX!!!

(It means "Ha" to the infinite power)

Great entries, Lizza!

Ian

Jamie said...

Wonderful! Bulwer-Lytton would be so proud. I'm still smiling over the e-coli.

Sanni said...

Perfect! I´ll mail you where to send the novels.

I´m still working on my "stormy" entry - didn´t think about killing to birds with one novel... *erm* stone =)

the108 said...

Damn it, Ian! I cannot escape from your coffee-out-the-nose-inducing HAX even here!

Great post! I haven't the balls or the talent to do this meme..LOL.

Matt-Man said...

Undercooked hamburger on a sweet bun? What the hell is so wrong with that phrase? Yum-Oh!! Cheers!!

maryt said...

Had a great laugh over "Love in the Time of E.coli" Thanks for it!!

Mo said...

Great post.
Thanks for participating in Manic Mondays.

Gattina said...

A little hard for me to understand, but I liked the fluttering false eylashes and the languorous heat spreading in her abdomen, lol !

tegdirb92 said...

wow, what a great post!! Loved the second one :) Happy MM.

Desert Songbird said...

You romance entry is hilarious, including your title. I've read a few of these of the past few days; yours is one of the best! (or is that worse...whatever...)

Lizza said...

H: Good Lord, soul sis. If these ever developed into fully-fledged novels, my kids and everyone else would probably disown me. Besides, I have neither the talent nor patience to write one. I'd love to read yours, though. You know that.

Ian: A new SMS term, coool! Hax to your entries too!

Jamie: Glad I'm one of the reasons for your smiles today. Happy MM!

Sanni: Ohhh, looking forward to reading yours, girlfriend!

108: Sure, you do. I've been to your blog, you write well. Give it a try, it's fun!

Matt-man: Damn, I should've used loosemeat sandwiches. Cheers!

MaryT: Thanks! Always glad to spread some laughter.

Mo: Thanks! Hope you have a great week.

Gattina: Thank you. Hope you have a hot week ahead, hot meaning great.

Bridget: Thank you. I must admit, I still chuckle over the second one too. Me and my depraved mind.

Desert songbird: Many thanks! This was a bit harder than I initially thought it would be, but it was fun to do.

Mags said...

Thanks for coming by my MM today, though yours is 1000 times better than mine! Great job-I've seen a few people combine this meme with today's MM-but you've done it the best I'd say.

Lizza said...

Awww, thank you, Mags! I appreciate the kind words. And thanks for stopping by.

Mert said...

Those paragraphs are hilarious! Great post and Happy MM!

Lizza said...

Thanks, Mert. I just hope Gabriel García Marquez isn't rolling too painfully in his grave from the liberty I took with the title of the second entry.

Happy MM to you, too!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Excellent. Have a great MM. :)

Mimi Lenox said...

That was truly terrible.
Congratulations.

(smile)

Sanni said...

Thanks, Liz - the GGG ggg entries are up. Please stop by if you find time. Excuse me while I puke =)

Travis said...

There is some seriously good bad writing osted around the bloggosphere today.

Well done and Happy MM!

gem said...

God, that was funny! I barked like a seal reading it. I think I'm going ot have to put it on my blog. And I'm very touched that you an exquisite writer, went to such great lengths to be putrid. Thank you, Lizza!

Sherry said...

Hilarious! Those opening paragraphs are truly awful. A job well done!

Happy MM!

bhex said...

miss lizza! that was just so deliciously BAD :D i bow to your mad skillz. are you joining the bulwer-lytton? you have a damn good shot at winning!

Daddy Papersurfer said...

Mimi said what I was going to say [apart from the bracketed smile obviously]. In the future can you please delete her comments if I'm a tad tardy.
[Damn you Lizza, ever since you were a 'tad' chagrined. I've been 'tadding' all over the place].
Anyway, I'll have to say something else now ........ let me think .... ow, that hurts.
OK, got it ......RUBBISH.

H said...

No one's disowning you darling. Not with all the delicious ghastly fun these great historic opening lines promise.

I truly DO want to read them.

Glamourpuss said...

I'd definitely read the second one - very amusing.

Puss

Sidney said...

Do they sell your novels in Powerbooks?

You have talent!

Natalia said...

Complicated but totally worth it. You rocked it.

-N

Photo Cache said...

I would love to read more about "love in the time of e.coli"...dang, what a very difficult meme to complete.

Natalie said...

Those really had me laughing. Nice work.

lizza said...

Sandee: Thanks! Hope you had a good one.

Mimi: Thank you. I hope to read yours soon too.

Sanni: Thanks, my dear. And yours had me groaning too! :-)

Travis: That's so, my friend. Cheers!

Gem: Glad you enjoyed it, though the thought of you barking like a seal is funny too.

Sherry: Thank you very much! It's always great to read words of appreciation.

Bhex: THANK YOU for dropping in. And I'll join if you join, haha. Your skillz are much madder than mine.

DaddyP: Oh you poor dear. Stop taxing that brain cell of yours. Rubbish, indeed. But what fun.

H: You get to read (almost) all my writing, dearest soul sis.

Puss: Thanks! And congratulations again. :-D

Sidney: Of course they do. You probably heard about my last one. It was very popular, even though the critics didn't like it: The Da Vinci Code.

Hahahaaaa...

Natalia: Oh boy, thanks!

Photo: Yep, doing it was pretty hard, but fun!

Natalie: Thank you very much! Glad to have made you laugh.

FoxxFyrre said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
FoxxFyrre said...

Hmmm, let's see:

I think there's to much in common here to be co-inky-dink.

Common Like.....Lizza.....Frank
Chocolate.......yes.......yes
Beer............YES.......YES!
Tequila.........YES.......YES
LIQUOR in GENERAL.....
................YES.......YES
Mentalbation....yes.......ALWAYS
Blogging........yes.......yes
A Good Laugh....yes.......yes
Naughty Humor...yes.......yes
Smoking.........yes.......yes
Rain............yes.......yes
Black Satin Panties..........
Wearing........yes..boxers count?
Viewing........no........yes

And in the same meme, we write using tequila, a girl, and some form of intestinal distress.

Hmmm, are you sure we're not related? ggg

Must go, if Mimi finds out I'm out of the dungeon again (especially after this meme), I might never see the light of day--ever.

TTFN

catnapping said...

okay. this was funny. gave me a good chuckle.

Lizza said...

foxxyfyrre: Daddy?

:-D

What can I say? Great...er, perverted minds think alike. Thanks again for the fun meme, Frank!

catnapping: Glad to have brought some chuckles to you. Thanks for stopping by.

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

You are right. You've taught me a lesson. Great job!!

Lizza said...

Haha! Yours were too good to be considered awful.

CS said...

Ha ha! I especially liked the second one.