Thursday, April 19, 2007

I'm feeling pretty

...pretty sick, that is.

No, no, not the puking-up-my-intestines kind of sick, not even the burning-up-with-fever-and-hallucinating kind of sick (although it sure is damn hot here -- 36.5 degrees Celsius yesterday, that's 97.7 degrees Fahrenheit to you Americans). No, it's more like the dispirited, blech, down in the dumps kind of sick. Which is even worse. It's because of some crappy things that I can't explain (or don't really want to). So be a pal, won't you? Just hold my hand, or give me a reassuring pat on the back, or hug me tight. Chocolate would be nice, too. Thanks. *sniff*

Reading you guys somehow helps lift me out of the doldrums. So many of you make me laugh, and you will never know just how much I appreciate it. So give yourselves a round of applause for your ability to calm the raging madwoman seething just beneath the surface, spewing venomous froth, and stopping her from embarking on a maniacal, murderous castration spree.

[Special moment of appreciation now for my newest source of lightheartedness: Daddy Papersurfer, witty progenitor of Papersurfer and Tiggz, enthralled and willing captive of the magnificently Terrible Goddess. Man, that family is so cool. Their online interactions make me laugh. Go show DaddyP some love and support; he's taking his baby steps in the blogging world. Look, isn't he adorable?]

Another thing that helps to cheer me up when the Fates conspire to use my head for a toilet bowl cleaner or my heart for toilet paper is to imagine myself in an out-of-this-world situation, doing something totally out of character for me, something really outlandish.

Like maybe being a terra cotta statue model. You know, something like those thousands of life-size figures a certain Chinese emperor had with him in his tomb to guard his remains. This guy, for example.

We make quite the couple, don't we? Maybe the ladies thought he was ultra hot back in his day. He's not my type, though. Too stiff. But I'm not totally without fault; the least I could've done was to dress appropriately. What the heck, I have practically no sartorial sense when it comes to tomb attire.

Maybe I could sell plaster casts of myself, to be made into statues, the kind you see watching benevolently over graves in the cemetery.

But imagine a conversation between two archaeologists digging at a gravesite a millennium from now:

Archaeologist 1: Those 21st century people sure had some quaint customs, didn't they? They perpetuated their ancestors' practice of making lifelike sculptures to watch over their tombs and graves.

Archaeologist 2: Yes. They had statues of all sorts of creatures built to watch over them in the afterlife: cats, birds, angels, even figures of children!

A1: Oh, look! [brushes centuries-old dirt off the head of a rather statuesque statue...ha ha ha!] I wonder who this one was?

A2: [squints to read inscription on the statue's ass] It says here that this one was Woman. She blogged.

A1 and A2: Oohhhh. [respectful silence.] Fancy a beer?

[Note to self: erase life-size statue from list of what else I could be aside from what I am right now.]


Daddy papersurfer said...

Thank you v. much for pimping my blog - I think that's the right expression - and thank you for your lovely comments. Go to DaddyP's blog for a surprise!

Lizza said...

Oooohhh, I love surprises. Heading on over to chez DaddyP tout de suite! *poof*

Matt-Man said...

Lizza the answer as to why the ladies thought he was hot back then was precisely because he was always stiff.

Matt-Man: "Philosopher, Drunk, Anthropologist"


Lizza said...

Matt, you know I defer to your knowledge. But...oh, okay. I won't deny it. Woo hoo for stiff! :-D

Tammie Jean said...

Oh Lizza, I could go for some chocolate right now too. Mind if I join you?

lizza said...

Chocolate is best when it's shared, Tammie. Here, have some. :-)

penfold said...

There is no actual proof that he is my biological father - just rumours and circumstancial evidence...

Lizza said...

Does he know this? Break it to him gently.

it's the little things... said...

Someone had to mention being stiff, didn't they? :)

Daddy papersurfer said...

I live in hope.

Wendz said...

YOu can have all my chocolate sweetie...hope you feel better soon, it's really poo to be miserable.

Another thing - I am almost finished redesigning my blog but there is one thing I want to do and that's put my links in a drop-down menu like yours....could you email me with how you did it? Please? Pwetty pleeeeze?


zeroimpact said...

Big hugs!
Big Chocolate
And I like the life size statue
Heh heh heh

Amsterdam bound said...

Alika hug kita ((hug))

~passes ice cold San Miguel~

~opens an exquisite box of Belgian chocolate and pops one in the nouth before passing it on to you~

~bakes a space cake and gives you a thick slice~

"would you like some cream with that dahlin?"

Psst, soak up some sunshine (for me na rin!) and have a blast!

Lizza said...

Marlayna: Yes, haha. Hard to resist.

DaddyP: As does he, I think. :-)

Wendz: Done! I accept the virtual chocolate. Feeling fine now, btw.

ZI: Thanks for the hugs and the Big Chocolate! Mmmmmm...

Amster-dame: Wow! Space cake, beer, chocolate, and ice cream. I'll be high, drunk, and full all at the same time!

Have a great weekend in Amsterdam! Sige, just for you I'll bask in that special sunshine you've been sorely missing. :-)

Bond said...

OK, Matt made the stiff joke, so I won't touch it... well I wouldn't "touch it anyway" umm well you know what I mean - I hope

Sony said...

Hope you're feeling better. Here's a hug of the virtual kind: your writing, even when feeling sick, is engaging, funny, and the visuals you project are stunning.

That was kind of a geeky statement, wasn't it?

How about I just send chocolate? :)

Kiyotoe said...

The Dragon's been sending out major "good vibes" all week to people in the blogosphere. Had I known you would need some I would have saved them all for you.

If you give me the name and the number of the person that's causing you the "blechs"....I'll be happy to take care of it for you. I've got long arms, easy to reach out and touch someone.

p.s. - how old are you in that picture, about 25, 26?


Lizza said...

Bond: Haha! I "wood" hope not. ;-)

Sony: Now that was a terrific virtual hug, thanks! Chocolate is good too. :-)

Kiyotoe: The person causing me the blechs is none other than me, myself and I. *sigh* She gets my goat.

P.S. Okay, I'm totally all better now because of your p.s.! You crafty devil, you. (That picture was taken last week, grin)

Natalie said...

I like you as a statue. I think it would be pretty. You could guard the gates of the blogosphere. Maybe you need to be miniaturized and all bloggers would get a copy upon their 100th post. Like the goddess of blogging longevity or something. I have a delicious brownie in my desk drawer that for some reason I didn't eat yesterday. It's all yours.

Scott from Oregon said...

Well, you still LOOK great, and to us guys, that's what counts....

Well.. er... uh.... mostly...

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Hope you are feeling better. You can still dish the laughs! Funny post.

Anonymous said...

Glad you're feeling better Lizza.

That's a great picture. Was it taken in China or a visiting culture show?

Debo Blue

Kiyotoe said...

Last week??

Get outta here........

All i was shooting for was a smile ;)

Michael C said...

We tightened a door here at the house so we can't just push it open anymore and have to turn the know. I could send you video of the 20 or so times I have crashed into it this week.
Hang in there ;-)

Prometheus said...

Lizzie, ya missed a part of the conversation betwixt those archeo-guys. It went thus: Archeo 3: "Don't you guys see this woman must've been a Goddess. Or someone of great importance. The placement of her statue next to that of Prometheus the Titan must mean something."

And here's the hug sweetie, {H-U-G}

Turnbaby said...


You know sugar--beer and chocolate are a match made in heaven.

Some Ghirardelli 70% cocao and an ice cold San Miguel will make the world, if not right again, a whole lot easier to take. ;-)

You look mah-vel-ous btw.


Odat said...

Aww...feel better soon....and yeah I was going for the "stiff is good" joke too...but alas it's alreay been used.....oh well...lizza hang in there! Hugs!

Chimera said...

was too funny, i also want some kinda cemetry for blogs... imagine them digging my blog n wondering about the type of person I am...

CS said...

Hugs to you, and chcolate is always good. And beer. Lots of beer.

Diesel said...

In the future, all bloggers will get 15 seconds of respectful silence.

Lizza said...

Natalie: Miniatures of bloggers, cool! I'd totally want one of you.

Scott: Haha! Oh, you men. I'll catch up on your adventures with Penny soon.

Bud: Thanks, I've recovered. One good thing about my mood swings is they rarely last a long time.

Debo: Thanks! It was a visiting show. Cool stuff. Those statues were big!

Kiyotoe: Well, you got more than a smile. :-D

Michael: Ouch! Well, stop doing it already. Or maybe not, if it helps you come up with your stories. :-)

Prometheus: Aww, thanks for the hug. And... haha! Imagine them finding a cave full of blogger statues. Big WTF moment.

Turnbaby: Mmmm...chocolate and beer. Does nobody else like space cake? Thanks, sugar. :-)

Odat: Thanks! I'm all hunky-dory now. HDF to you, sweet lady.

Chimera: Yes, you can tell someone how you want your statue to be made, something that'll confuse the heck out of those future historians. :-D

CS: Lots. Of. Beer. Mmmmmm. Call me Homer.

Diesel: Haha! Either that or sing the Blogging Anthem.

liz said...

i want to be cremated so i'd be saved from future (waaaaayyyyy into the future kind of future) embarrassment as you detailed. it'd be awkward to have a big hulking statue guarding over a tiny jar don't you think?

H said...

Hugs and chocolate, first. Many and many, respectively.

oooh I like that. an ass inscription. I'll go for that too.

and you didn't complete the conversation:

A1 & A2: [clinking beer bottles]: that's better. Can't think of beer without blog or blog without Lizza. Man! she was one crazy-assed, net-riding, babe-on-blog! Can't believe we found her here! [he sweeps his eyes around a ancient beer-barrel-shaped cyber-cafe] They used to have beer-blog marathons here. can't believe it man! Lizza herself!

A1 & A2 shakes their heads and chug down the beer.

Lizza said...

Liz: Welcome. And yes, you're right. That does seem ridiculous. I want my remains to be cremated too.

H: You left out the rest of the conversation! They went on to discuss how blogger-Lizza was so much inspired by blogger-H. :-)