Saturday, March 31, 2007

Inconstant Moon

What follows is the effect of listening to the songs of a certain singer/watching some kind of movie/eating some kind of food/drinking some kind of beverage (or having too many windows open. Hah, Turnbaby!). Or all of the above. :-D [Blogworld Saturday later, okay? Much later. next week. Sorry!]

"O, swear not by the moon, the fickle moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circle orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Confronted with her own thoughts that bother her when she's alone, she found herself looking at some things in ways she never thought she would.

Take the moon for example. She found pleasure in the enigmatic moonlight that bathed the night sky, creating the most intriguing shadows. In her mind's eye, she thought perhaps the day's sunshine was as bright and joyful as it was because it couldn't help but be influenced by the low-key yet luminous presence of the moon. The sun and the moon, the yin and yang, sometimes they seemed to come together, and people gathered to watch that most enthralling sight. There was something magical about two beings millions of miles distant from each other, yet seeming to occupy the same sky. Together, yet apart. She wondered, does one ever miss the other?

But tonight the normally playful and ever-present moonbeam wasn't there. She knew he was there somewhere, but she didn't feel him. Perhaps he was hiding behind the clouds? Perhaps. It pained her to think that he was apparently unaffected by how much she had come to rely on his brilliance. She wished it didn't matter, she wished she didn't need his reassuring presence, and she wondered why she still cared. But she did, it did, she did. If she didn't love him, would he know? Would he even care?

An awful, illogical thought emerged. What if he was purposely hiding behind the clouds, laughing at her misery? Gloating in his total mastery of her sky? Was there anything to get him off his fucking throne?

And, perish the idea... but what if the moon was indifferent to her? Another thought entered her mind, hurting her even more: maybe it wasn't indifferent to her after all. Maybe the moon did appreciate her appreciating it; but that, despite her most fervent (and misguided) belief, maybe the moonbeams it shone upon her weren't any different from or any more special than those it bestowed upon everybody else. And perhaps because of that despairing thought, the sun couldn't help but shine a bit less brightly. Could she be blamed for what she felt? Perhaps, perhaps not.

Comfortable as she tried to tell herself she was (and perhaps as the moon was), her wishes of being just a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser, and a little less needy still left a bittersweet taste on her tongue and in her heart.

All she knew was she was missing the moon terribly tonight, there was no denying that. But for the first time -- and it didn't matter if the changes perceived were real or imagined -- she couldn't for the life of her tell whether the hurtful hate tormenting her outweighed the love.


houseband00 said...

Idle minds...etcetera, etcetera.

Oh, Liz.

I also hate it when my connection's on the fritz. =)

lizza said...

Yeah, stupid mind, I know. You're too kind.

Mimi Lenox said...

Lovely, just lovely.

iz said...

Nice to read some fiction from you Lizza. This post was beautifully crafted.

iz said...

Nice to read some fiction from you Lizza. This post was beautifully crafted.

Cazzie!!! said...

That image fo the moon is just mesmerising!! I love it.

lizza said...

Mimi: Thank you. :-)

Iz: Thank you. It was fun to do. :-)

Cazzie: It is, isn't it? Thanks for dropping by.

Turnbaby said...

Wonderful--oh my yes Lizza! So lovely and --daggone it--way too thought provoking.

And yeah--those open windows and oceans breezes will get ya every time sugar.


Odat said...

ok..I'm getting tired of saying Wow!, but Wow, again!
and hugs to you (if ya need em) ;-)

Kiyotoe said...

i want to read more.

hey, i started a 2nd blog, and now i think i want you to as well. And fill it up with all fiction....

2 x's the lovely!

Lizza said...

Turnbaby: Thanks, you're so sweet. No open windows tonight, though.

Odat: All is fine, but I won't say no to a hug from you. Love your new avatar!

Kiyotoe: Hmmmm. We'll see. ;-)

Prometheus said...

"who knows if the moon'sa balloon,
coming out of a keen city
in the sky--filled with pretty people?

ee's cummings and goings on the moon.

The only emotion the moon evokes in Prometheus is 'Aaarrrooooooooo'. So he is hopelessly out of touch with the post's emotion.

lizza said...

The moon brings out the wolf in you, huh? :-)

ee commings' poetry is whimsical, methinks.

CSL said...

I liked that, and of course, you know how I fel about introspection. But it's funny, I always think of the moon as decidedly a "her."

Lizza said...

Indeed I do. Introspection is a funny thing sometimes, but in a good way I think. At least it's a source of creativity!

The moon is usually a "her" in many cultures. I guess my creativity's all screwed up.

H said...

My moon is decidely Her. A very wise, sexual, fullsome, sighsome, gorgeous Her.

Mother. Sister. Lover. Self. Thought. Mind. Love. Desire. Spirit. God. All rolled in one.

But your post here says it all lovely Lizza. Love, unrequited can teach you so much na? But how can you even begin to say that your creativity is all screwed up? That to me is more bizarre than anything else.

Isn't creativity what YOU make of something, stripping away the layers of meaning that mainstream culture has alotted to an object. to make it yours and only yours in that moment of insipration, so that no one, NO ONE can question how you own it right then.

By that logic dear girl... you're crazy-creative [which is super-good creative :-)]

Lizza said...

You lift me up in the most unexpected ways, giving me reassurance that I'm still okay after all. Thanks.