Sunday, April 27, 2008

Emotionally high-speed home

Having no Internet connection sucks.

Having Internet connection that's supposed to be high-speed but which performs at a speed that's even slower than dial-up sucks even more - when it takes what seems like a gazillion years before a web page loads. Technical problems, the bland voice at the customer service end of the ISP phone number says. "Thank you for bearing with us," this female automaton recites. My ass. I'd rather bear a cow, which I think I've been doing anyway for the last 24 hours at least. If I don't get an über-slow Internet connection, I get totally no connection at all.


So what's a night owl supposed to do when she doesn't have an Internet connection, all available video games have been played, the kids are asleep, and she can't get to sleep herself because the wee hours are when she's usually still alive and kicking?

She [meaning I, of course] watched a movie, of course. Or several movies.

Watched Love in the Time of Cholera, which I didn't consider to be all that bad, like what the reviews said. Loved the book, liked the movie. Except for the parts where the ladies had beautiful boobies. Happy for them, sad for me. I was probably out drinking beer when God was giving out boobies.

Saw Kinkyboots, which made me laugh. I wish I had Lola's panache. But it's been half a lifetime since I last wore stilettos. They weren't too bad, but I was younger then, and more limber. I'd probably sprain my appendix in addition to my ankles if I tried wearing something like Lola's boots now.

Watched an old Michael Buble concert on video. I don't really get his music. Yeah, he's cute and all, but not really my type. Me likey men with a five o'clock shadow. What the hell, I thought. I should go out of my comfort zone a bit. (To those of you who don't know, my comfort zone - musically speaking - is rock 'n' roll...with a bit of sappiness thrown in sometimes. Hee hee.)

Well, that isn't exactly true. I like lots of kinds of music: rock, jazz, new wave, classical, emo, Sesame Street. Yep. I almost cried when I first heard "Lower Case N" (Sing it with me... Lower-case N/Standing on a hill/The wind is very still/For the lower-case Ehhh-ennnnn...)

So anyway, Michael Buble's repartee in between songs had me chuckling. I especially liked the part where he and Josh Groban were making fun of each other (me likey Josh Groban's music...and his five o'clock shadow). There was this one part where Michael walks through the audience and gets kissed to death, among other things. After that, he says thanks to a certain gentleman in the audience who grabbed his ass.

Now, a stranger grabbing someone's ass would hardly elicit a grateful reaction in most cases. A stranger fondled my non-boob when I was a teenager, while I was riding a form of public transportation called a jeepney - and that scared the shit out of me. If he had grabbed my ass, I think my reaction would have been pretty much the same: barely controlled hysteria.

Twenty years later, things aren't much different. Though I have a bigger ass, I still have the non-boobies. However, if someone was crazy enough to grab that big ass, I wouldn't shrink and cry - I'd probably kick that guy where it would hurt him the most (and I'd use something like Lola's boots). But maybe being grabbed in your most sensitive places when you least expect it can be a good thing, especially if it's done by someone whose opinion matters to you. It may not be pleasant at first, but it can get you thinking. And feeling. And then you start wanting more of it. Not from any random ass-grabber, but from someone who cares enough about you (and vice-versa) to spank your ass a bit.

This is starting to sound a bit kinky, so I should stop.

P.S. I lied when I said I don't get Michael Buble's music. There is one song of his that I do like. It's called Home. Home isn't always a physical location made of bricks, cement, wood, and marble. Sometimes home is a state of mind, a state of presence where you can be comfortable in your own skin - alone or with someone else. I do like this song.


Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

A night at the movies because of a bad connection. Usually it's the other way around! Enjoyed the post and I agree "Home" i Buble's best...

Photo Cache said...

I do like "home" too and that's all I know of his discography. I feel you regarding no/bad connection. I suffered for a long time (my fault) with dial up; I am happy with DSL for a few years now.

Love the post; never seen any of the movies you talked about but will check them out in the future.

Hope you're having a good weekend.

Daddy Papersurfer said...

I'll come back as soon as I'm old enough to grow a beard. That was a nice picture you found BTW [someone has been rooting through my drawers and I hardly felt a thing - tee hee]

Travis said...

I enjoyed the song. I'm not sure what all the hoo-hah is about this guy though. He has a nice voice, but it isn't all that special.

Good luck with that bad connection. I hope it's fixed!

Mimi Lenox said...

"I was probably out drinking beer when God was giving out boobies."
...cracked me up. I laughed out loud. Oh Lord you are funny.

I love it when you write about your internal adventures even wehen you're talking about ass-grabbing.

Buble's "Home" is one of my favorites. I like your explanation of it on an intrinsic level as well.

Anonymous said...

Ooh, I don't do well without interent. I started going into withdrawal. (ANd I just loved Kinky Boots)

Terra Shield said...

This post made me laugh - a lot. Glad you're back to blogging, anyway. And I like Home as well, and another newer song (which I can't remember the title to)

H said...

That was me sitting across from you sharing your beer when God was handing 'em out.

Oh, and I was more than compensated for with the arse. Which if I'd been less drunk on beer, I'd have explained wasn't FARKIN' NECESSARY AT ALL. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Turnbaby said...

Mmmmm I think home can be a connection to someone who makes you feel whole.

Prometheus said...

Yeah, God is so out of touch with times, no? Meaning, he should learn from Starbucks. Get in good management and brand new counter staff.
Counter Staff: What can I get you m'am?
M'am: Two boobies please.
CS: Would you like me to supersize them?
M: Oh yes, Double D's please. And a see thru tee shirt that says "I wish these were brains".
CS: Would you like a side of ass?
M: Cool, make it medium, er.. Grande.. and hold the cellulite.

And he could use some publicity. "Presenting. The all-new 2008 boob. Precisely engineered, luxurious upholstery. In seven versions of trim. Get to your nearest boob outlet NOW. Holiday special: Free maintenance for life. *Silicone not included."

Lizza said...

Bud: I'm sure I know some of his other songs, can't remember which ones, though!

Photo: Thank you. I did have a good weekend, hope yours was good too.

DaddyP: I'm just talented that way.

Travis: They did get it fixed, hope it stays that way!

Mimi: Thank you, my dear friend. You always lift me up whenever you leave your, well, uplifting words.

Citizen: Internet withdrawal...shudder. That sure was a fun movie to watch.

Terra: So glad you got a laugh out of the post. Thanks!

H: Sisterrrrrr! So glad to know we have not only spiritual and emotional genetics in common.

Turnbaby: Exactly. "Coming home" can mean so many different things.

Prometheus: Oh, how you make me laugh, mon ami. Hold the cellulite indeed! But double D's are a bit too much for me.

Witness Street said...

Lizza: I'm sorry if you are on Bayantel. Me, too. Ha! I've spent many nights cursing the third-worldliness of my connection, and then becoming so desperate as to turn on the TV. Not bad if one's fridge is equipped with beer, though!


Lizza said...

Hi Migs.

I'm on Destiny. They're OK most of the time, but when glitches arise, their customer support/service sucks big time.

My fridge may not be equipped with beer all day every day, but I have the next best thing: a 7-11 at the corner!