Friday, October 26, 2007

Black hole



Darkness and solitude are usually components of my personal haven. Sitting here in the wee morning hours, awash in the glow of my monitor, peeking out the windows in front of me and seeing a solitary star winking brightly at me, as if sharing a naughty secret. I look away for a moment to pick up a cigarette and light it, and when I look out the window again, there's nothing but darkness. Not even the velvety, alluring kind of black--all I see is the cardboard-kind of black; no personality, no hint of allure whatsoever. Damn those clouds that sneak up to hide a source of illumination that keeps me tethered (albeit thinly, it seems) to this unreasonable and inexplicable feeling of comfort.

There are times when a person gives out vibes that he or she is okay, that all is well--and mostly it's true. He or she is blessed with good health, family, a good quality of life. Sometimes, though, a teeny tiny bit of the inner sadness and loneliness make themselves manifest, which then for some reason provoke denigrating (though humorous and well-meaning comments) from a friend. And it hurts.

It hurts almost as much as looking out the window and seeing only a uniform, depressing blackness. Niggling thoughts arise, unbidden, if the star that acts as my lodestone is twinkling and shining as brightly as ever--even without my seeing it. And whether it brings the same radiance to others as it does to me. Me, me, me. I, I, I. When will I realize and accept it isn't about me, that I have no abso-fucking-lutely part in the dynamics of how brightly or dimly a star shines? That it will go on lighting up the heavens with or without me?

Still...

I can't help it. Can't help looking out the window, getting a crick in my neck searching for it. Waiting for it, waiting for nothing, maybe.

Nope, absolutely nothing out there.

16 comments:

houseband00 said...

Love the song...even if it's sad.

Don't let one nasty old black hole suck away your brightness, Liz. =)

ian said...

Here's a big squishy EDog hug from me to you, Lizza - 'cause it seems like maybe you need it. >>>HUGS<<<

Ian

kyels said...

Yes, I know how it feels like to be seeped into a black hole. Something that happens once in a blue moon.

Anyway, cheer up and hopefully you'll be fine soon!

(:

Travis said...

And yet somehow I find a bit of cheer in your imagery. I enjoy the way you write and the words you choose.

Hang in there.

Daddy Papersurfer said...

Are you deliberately trying to worry me? ........ stop it.

Lizza said...

HB: Doom and gloom isn't really my style. I'm ok now. :-)

Ian: Thanks for the squishy hug! Much appreciated.

Kyels: I'm fine, thanks. It was blech while it lasted.

Travis: Thank you very much. Glad you liked reading it.

DaddyP: I would never do that to you. The day I do that is the day I slice off my... oh, wait. That line's been used.

Have a good knock-knock joke for me?

Matt-Man said...

I have been in the dumps of late myself. Let's play together in the garbage and cheer each other up. Cheers Lizza.

Daddy Papersurfer said...

Knock knock

Mimi Lenox said...

Hmmmm......when you write like this it is so akin to poetry. The stars and the night and Lizza.
Powerful imagery.

Kiyotoe said...

Sometimes we just have to get all that "dark" stuff off our chests, I get it.

But it doesn't mean we're going crazy or that people should start worrying.

Like I said, I get it.

Witness Street said...

Beautiful post. Beautiful cartoon. Now here's a cyber hug. Smile!

FoxxFyrre said...

Nope, the cartoon has it all wrong. All headboards in a bedroom should be facing east--that way, when the urge for horizontal inertia arises it will increase the the angular momentum of the earth ever so slightly, thus speeding up the day night cycle. This would eventually lead to a shorter work day. If everyone would participate in timing their horizontal inertia--lets say 12:00pm GMT every day (a world wide "nooner")--we could shorten our work week in half come next summer.

--just seemed like you needed a smile :)

eastcoastdweller said...

Well, it may be dark out there but somewhere in the gloom, around the world, are other computer monitors glowing, people who value You and appreciate what You write.

FoxxFyrre said...

Knock knock jokes?

This is the funniest twist on knock knock jokes I've ever heard (or seen). He's a local boy too.

Glamourpuss said...

If you spin the other way, maybe you will feel brighter...

Puss

H said...

Aww. Lizza. As always a lovely Lizza post, to seduce the blues away. [wait that sounded wrong]. But damn it Liz, how can you be so consistently eloquent, even when these bastard clouds come hanging over?

hugs. I hope you're better. I'm sure you are... by now. Sorry. have been away too long.