Manic Monday #25: Kit

This is actually two posts in one: Morgen's Manic Monday (this week's theme word is kit) and Frank's It Was a Dark and Stormy Night Meme, inspired by the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest (click here for rules and dates if you want to join the contest on that site).

Frank's the head of the unofficial Gale Martin cheering squad (she's writing a novel) and ordered suggested we do the meme to encourage Gale. So...go, Gale, go! Meme or no, you know we're cheering for you all the way.

Rules:
1. Choose two genres from the ones listed below in #4
2. Come up with a suitable title for a different novel for each of your genre choices.
3. Write a different opening 'atrocious' paragraph of your 'highly praised novel' in context to each genre you chose, paying particular attention to the "Dark and stormy" quality of your first sentence of your paragraph. Don't just rewrite the "Dark and stormy" sentence for your paragraph. Come up with something new and fresh, but 'atrocious' too. The sentence and paragraph should follow good English grammar rules. Don't just write a grammatical mess of a sentence. Remember, you are a Nobel Prize worthy author.
4. Choose two of the following genres for each of your "Prized Novels": Western, Science Fiction, Romance, Historical Fiction, Modern Contemporary Fiction, Mystery, Comedy, Horror.
5. Post the meme description and rules.
6. Post your first genre choice, title and paragraph, followed by your second genre choice, title and paragraph.
7. Prepare yourself for accolades of laughter and ridicule for your "Highly Praised Novels'" atrocious openings.
8. Contact the Nobel Prize officials for you may just continue and write that award winning novel.
9. Tag people, lotsa people. (I'm tagging anyone who wants to play along.)

So here they are, the worst titles and opening paragraphs of two imaginary novels:

Genre: Modern Contemporary Fiction
Title: A Bacardi Nightmare in the Present Tense

After his initial shock at how the Identi-kit image of the woman the press called Jackie the Ripper resembled his former English teacher, down to the mole that looked like a big, hairy, pregnant tick beside her left nostril, Charlie started dreaming of bikini babes -- with legs and armpits as smooth as Kojak's pate, though not as shiny perhaps -- on the Caribbean cruise he’d take with the reward money being offered for her capture.

Genre: Romance
Title: Love in the Time of E. Coli

Watching him disrobe, Juanita wondered (fully aware of how ridiculous she looked fluttering her false eyelashes while nervously gnawing her lower lip like it was cherry chewing gum -- but the sugarless kind; she was trying to lose weight) whether the languorous heat spreading in her abdomen like golden tequila was due to excitement, or if it was an intestinal infection from that juicy -- but maybe undercooked? -- hamburger she had bought from the street vendor with the sweet, sweet buns.